I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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