It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
