Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I have fence marks all over my body
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
