so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
