I hope mine doesn't look like that
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize