Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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