I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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