I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize