We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
