My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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