My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
