Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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