How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
