So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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