i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
