she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize