Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
