he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
