The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
