just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
