im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
