She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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