Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
