I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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