Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
