I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
