The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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