apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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