I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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