once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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