Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
