I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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