i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize