the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
