They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
