I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
