I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
