my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
