New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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