he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
