I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
