I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
