I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
