I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
