New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
