never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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