I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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