Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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