god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
