So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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