Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need to align my fucking chakras
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
