my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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