Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
