FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
