I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Too much gin, very little bucket
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
