I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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