I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
