I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
