I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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