I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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