i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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