I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
