Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
