you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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