Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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