I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
