Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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