Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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