god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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