My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize