I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
