I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
FUCK WHALES
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
